Evil Mirror Bunny

Here Be Bunnies...Plot Bunnies...

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Update-Like: No, I'm Not Dead...
Evil Mirror Bunny

So...this is LONG over-due?! Though I've debated lots of times whether I should actually post something or not. Since I really doubt anyone wants to hear (read?!) about my meager little life's going on's.

But anyhoo, writing it might just be therapy for me, so what the heck.

Right. Well, where to start? Let's see...my dad had a heart-attack last November, and was hospitalized for almost two weeks. He's fine now, mostly. But yeah, it all brought me back down to earth with a very loud, VERY unpleasant bang.

Thing is, it's changed me - and not for the better. I've become cynical, bitter, and mostly depressed. I mean, for anyone who KNOWS me (and even those who might not) I HATE the 'realities' of life. And yeah, reality has hit me BIG TIME.

Though apart from now having become a NOT so nice, pleasant person, I've also lost a huge part of myself, namely...the part that wrote. Like, I haven't given up writing...but writing has given up on me, apparently. I mean, you can see my fanfic has all but come to a complete standstill. And I really don't see that ever changing again.

It all sounds like a VERY lame excuse, I know, but anyone who writes - and I mean REALLY writes - knows it's not easy. To most people, if I'd say 'I can't write anymore', they'd look at me like I'm stupid or lazy, and go 'but how can you NOT be able to write - it's easy!' Pfffft, yeah, if only?!

Thing is, I MISS it. I miss it so, so bad. It feels like something's been...amputated, or something. I mean, my heart is SO in it - I WANT to write. But my BRAIN is not in it. Seriously - when I sit down, and try to access that part of my mind that's responsible for my writing (thinking up plot, dialogue, whatever)...it's just...gone. Or, it's there, but it's fuzzy. Useless.

So yes, that explains why I've put THIS off, so long. Even just writing this (and wording it coherently?!) is hard for me.

And the saddest part? I finally have my own computer - my own laptop. I've waited YEARS for it. Heck, I'd actually given up that I'd ever have one. But nope, I do have one, now - have had since February, already. Though I haven't done ANY writing on it. And I don't see that I will, unless some freakin' miracle happens, or something.

So right now, I'm trying to find some other ways of 'letting off steam' - as writing was my main source of expressing myself. I've discovered digital art - or well, I really LIKE digital art, but I myself am no artist. I've started trying to do basic photo manipulation and such (making wallpapers and headers and things like that...). I can't afford to buy Adobe Photoshop products, so I use freeware programs (currently I use GIMP). It's not the same as writing, obviously, but I quite like it. It keeps my mind AND my hands and my time occupied, so in that sense it's a good thing. And also...it's made it possible for me to at least do SOMETHING in connection to my fanfic again. Namely, I've started making a header for it. I might upload it soon, actually. Don't expect anything spectacular, obviously - I'm a first-time laptop owner, who's never used ANY computer programs before in my life, let alone photo manipulation software. So yes, bare with the beginner?!

Further...I do actually still avoid LJ most of the time - I only check the SPN Big Bang fics! As always, it's 'cause I want to avoid any and all spoilers concerning Supernatural. And YES, I still watch it, and YES I still love it. I actually REALLY loved the last few episodes of Season 8. Now I'm just hoping like mad Jeremy Carver doesn't go slaughter all the potential that's been built up, again?!

Ahem - yes, that's another thing that actually HASN'T changed - I still VERY much dislike Jeremy Carver.

Right. Well, that's that, then. Pardon my ranting, and spewing my angst all over the place. But hey, it IS still MY LJ, this, right?! I can write what ever the heck I want?!

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Well at least you can still put some long ramblings together! ; ) But yes, at least you do have something to keep you busy, until the bunnies come hopping back! : )

Well shit, those bunnies better get a damn move-on, now?!

Seriously, these last few nights I've been feeling like I'm gonna explode, I want to just...WRITE something, so BAD! Anything. Even if I just write some totally context-less, plot-less little piece of...ANYTHING?!

Or, yeah...like I wrote in my diary, it's gonna be one huge, messy, Loki-explosion, all over the damn place. Heh...and only you'd get THAT reference, right now?!

Oh, and on a side-note...this IS the first official post FROM Thinky!

Wonderful to hear from ya again! :D I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but I'm glad he's okay now. I know what you mean about feeling that way. My grandmother was hospitalized a few weeks ago for an irregular heartbeat. She's not bad now, but my dad didn't want her being alone so she's been staying with us until we can get a home health aide for her. It's a drawn-out process, so it's taking a while and she is driving my mother and I crazy (she's 93, legally blind and VERY hard of hearing). It's depressed me to see her so frail and I feel like this isn't even our house anymore - it's like a prison in a way. *sigh* I don't want to bring my crap into your post so I'll stop, lol

But I know how you feel about not being able to write. There are stories that I'd really like to work on, but I just can't get into the mood. It's like my muse has been damaged.

Agree with you on the Jeremy Carver dislike. I'm pretty cynical about this coming season of SPN.

Hi! *waves* I do admit, I still go read your posts now and then, and I read about your grandmother. I SOO know what you mean - my gran lives in a old age home/care unit, and I totally hate ever going there. Which sounds AWFUL, I know...but seeing those people just totally depresses me! Like I say, life's little 'realities' are just things I totally HATE (and try to avoid, when I can?!), so yeah...I can understand how hard it must be for you, right now!

That said, we might be going to visit my gran next Monday (my mom really wants to see her). And then there's also the case of my demented aunt...but that's a whole 'nother bag of cats?!

Anyhoo...I'm avoiding spoilers about SPN more than ever. I mean, the stuff that leaked before Season 8 began, caused me to not watch it, at all. So this time I am staying WELL away! I even unliked pages on Facebook, just so I don't see the stuff that gets shared! But yes, I REALLY did like the last four eps of Season 8. I think it was some of the best acting we've seen from Jared to date - especially in eps 21 and 23!

Right! I'll stop rambling now! Thanks so much for dropping by! *hugs*

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